Nine Reasons Cigars Rule Over Cigarettes



Posted: Friday, April 24, 2009

by
CigarFox

Who will ever fully understand the human urge to compete, to divide ourselves and each other into groups and attempt to conquer--even when interests are common and the prizes for victory are inadequate compensation for the loss of concord and amity? Scientists, such as best-selling Guns, Germs and Steel author Jared Diamond, theorize that it has much to do with humanity's origin as a part of the ape family. Apes, too, can be observed carving out pecking orders, showing each other who's boss, and every other sort of behavior that can be observed in any middle-school locker room. (Well, then again, even apes are too civilized to come up with such tactics as the "wedgie" and the "swirlie.")

Though they're united by their love of tobacco, cigar aficionados and cigarette lovers, too, are divided by decades of competition--centuries, in fact. Just as cigars, when introduced to London, gradually drove the once-popular pipe into relative seclusion, cigarettes, when they started to be mass-produced in the nineteenth century, made the once-ubiquitous cigar more of a specialty item. And people who smoke do tend to prefer one over the other--even those who smoke both.

Premium cigar smokers just lost a major strategic advantage that they once had over cigarette smokers. Until the recent fiscal crisis, cigar tobacco was generally taxed (at both federal and state levels) at a much lower rate than was cigarette tax (because cigarettes are generally considered a much greater public-health issue, given that cigar smokers are thought more likely to be occasional smokers). With the pressure on the federal government to increase the number of low-income children covered by the SCHIP program--and the pressure on state legislatures to make up for massive and continuing shortfalls--that "cigar loophole" (as it was called) is being closed in one state legislature after another. Statistically speaking, cigar smokers can afford to take the hit (as well as anybody can these days, anyway)--but it was nice having that little advantage over the other guys. So, without further ado, here are ten reasons why it still rules to be a cigar smoker.

Better for gesturing. It's unknown whether anyone has done research on this, but it seems quite likely to this writer that many people take up smoking in college simply so that they can look cooler when conversing loudly in a crowded coffeehouse. Cigarettes add emphasis to any point that you might want to make. Whether you're arguing for the relative awesomeness of English majors against Philosophy majors (or vice versa), wondering why David Lynch's film career went so badly off-track after Wild at Heart, complaining about your tyrannical calculus prof, or trying to sound like you know more about jazz than the other guy who's got his eye on your would-be next girlfriend (or boyfriend), cigarettes make you somehow more convincing. But this effect is even more pronounced with cigars. A person waving his or her hands around while holding a cigarette makes you think of a fancy French intellectual; a person who wags her or his giant stogie during a discussion makes you think of Tony Soprano. Advantage: cigars.

Harder to steal. Perhaps you have a spouse who likes to walk off with a pack of cigarettes every now and then. Or maybe you have a crowded living situation and your packs are always disappearing. Well, let someone try this with a box of premium cigars.

Harder to "bum one." Every cigarette smoker knows the pain of opening a new pack of your favorites, only to be asked by a friend, "Hey, can I bum one?" Sixteen "friends" later, your nice new pack is gone. But only truly hardy souls are brazen enough to say "Hey, can I bum one?" to a person with a Robusto in her or his mouth.

No one will mistake your Groucho Marx impression for somebody else. Or your Winston Churchill imitation, your George Burns imitation, your G.K. Chesterton imitation, your Mae West imitation … you get the idea.

They put more of an emphasis on "break time." Those who don't take up smoking so they can gesture better (see point one) take up smoking because it gives you something to do on your work break. But cigarettes are over even quicker than are the ever-shortening breaks of the overworked modern American worker. A cigar takes a while--and thus says "time off" more effectively than a little tube of white paper.

Better tobacco. Premium cigars use whole leaves of the finest tobacco, wrapped up in a carefully-arranged medley with other lovingly-grown leaves. Cigarettes use huge bunches of chopped-up, generally lower-quality tobacco. If you're going to buy a product that, unlike vitamins or groceries adds no survival value to your life, why not buy the best?

Cooler packaging. Nobody collects crushed Camel packs. But lots of people collect cigar bands. 'Nuff said.
Instant friends. Two people who leave a crowded room to smoke cigarettes aren't likely to strike up a conversation--after all, they share a hobby with a still-whopping percent of the population. Two people who leave a crowded room, head to the street, and light up cigars--well, that's a conversation waiting to happen: "Hey, I've never tried a Churchill! I'm more of a Pantela person. What do you recommend?"
They taste better! I trust this point needs no further explanation.

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